The thing about grief

I just can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit this year.  Normally, this is my favorite time of year and I look forward to it all year long.  I love the lights, the celebrations with friends & family, all the festive decorations, shopping, gift giving, gift receiving, cards with lovely holiday sentiments, cards with funny Christmas jokes, etc. etc. etc.  But this year is different.

When decorating the tree with my family last evening, I realized I'm just not into this year.  I found the whole thing rather time-consuming and it took entirely too much effort.  All I kept thinking is "Someone's gonna have to take it all down in just a few short weeks.  What's the point???"  I've been annoyed that my well-intentioned and loving family members have asked for Christmas lists.  I know, how rude of them huh?  Asking me for ideas so they buy me things I actually want.  And their responses to my "but I have everything I need" and "you don't need to buy me anything" is nothing short of heart-warming...except for me.  This year it all feels like a waste of time, money and energy.

After a bit of soul-searching, I remembered this isn't the first time I've felt this way.  When it became apparent that things had passed the point of no return for my marriage, I lost interest in Christmas too.  At the time, I didn't understand grief as I do now.

So the thing about grief is that even when it's not on your mind, it's on your mind.  Even when you think you're fine and that there are other "rational explanations" for everything, there is just one explanation that covers it all:  GRIEF.  It is all-consuming and ever-present.  It can take away your zest for things you enjoy the most, even if they don't have anything to do with the thing or person you're sad about.  Sometimes it has everything to do with them though. 

This year, Christmas just doesn't feel the same to me.  Grandpa was part of every single one of my Christmases for as long as I've been alive.  We used to have our Dekkers Family Christmas party at his house on Christmas Eve, and then we'd all go to midnight mass together in Newaygo.  I hated going to church, but I always looked forward to midnight mass on Christmas with my family.  Aunt Pat and I were beyond disappointed when everyone decided to end this tradition by having our family party the week before Christmas.  I had forgotten all about this until just recently when "Oh Night Divine" came on the radio and I was suddenly transported back to my childhood, standing in the vestibule of St. Bart's church on Christmas Eve looking for a pew empty enough to fit all of us Dekkers so we could sit together. 

When the Christmas Eve tradition ended, everyone took to stopping in to visit Grandpa on Christmas Day.  Inevitably, we'd all end up there at some point during the day.  It was always fun when we'd overlap and fill Grandpa's little trailer.  When I grew up and moved away, this tradition kept up as I returned every year except two to spend Christmas with my family. 

There were a few years when Grandpa & Grandpa spent their winters in Florida.  It bothers me that I can't remember if I was disappointed that tradition lapsed then.  

Going through old photos produced so many pictures of Grandpa and the family at Christmas.  It's obvious Christmas will never be the same without him.  So cliche, yet so true. 

I guess I tell you all this for a couple of reasons; 1) so you understand why I'm such a grinch this year, and 2) if you're feeling the same way either about Christmas or anything else, you'll know you're not alone.  

Christmas Letter

Greetings Friends & Family,

Happy Holidays!  Merry Christmas!  Happy Hanukkah!  Happy New Year! Etc, etc, etc.  

This year, in lieu of individualized, hand-written Christmas cards (which you’ve likely never received from me anyway) you’re all receiving an extra special, albeit mass produced, newsletter-style, type-written note.  I have neither the time, nor the ambition to do anything else.  Furthermore, you will only receive a hard copy of this letter if you are not a Facebook Friend or someone who reads my blog. (femiknitr.blogspot.com)  Perhaps I should have put this at the end as a Disclaimer.  

In the land of Melanie, 2011 has been a very busy year.  From Friday nights dancing with friends at the Union club, coffee and reading breaks at Zootown Brew, frequent and lengthy dog park visits, knitting nights at the Good Food Store, random dates, and weekly shopping trips to my favorite local thrift store Secret Seconds, it seems I have not had a moment of peace.  In between these activities, I also try to fit in textbook reading and working on papers & assignments for my graduate degree in Social Work.  It’s hard to fit everything in, but I find prioritizing helps me balance it all….which is why you see papers and assignments at the end of the list.  And I’m only half kidding.

Reese and Harley have been a constant source of support.  They seem especially helpful on the eve of a Really Important Paper being due.  This is the time they choose to get really excited, pace back and forth, bark incessantly (I think it’s their way of giving me ideas to use in the paper), and repeatedly ask to go outside only to immediately ask to come back in.  The way they both rally to help me in my time of need is truly inspiring.

I also fill my time at a really great place called Tamarack Grief Resource Center where I work really hard as a grief counselor, get paid nothing (in fact I technically have to pay to be there), and can’t wait to go back the next day.  Tamarack or TGRC as it’s called is a non-profit organization that offers support in the form of counseling and bereavement camps for children, adults and families grieving the death of a family member.  I am honored and privileged to be part of their team and complete an internship there.  I’ve never been more excited to do 450 hours of work for free!  

As some of you know (but others don’t because I’m not always forthcoming with such news), I am back together with my previous boyfriend, Kevin.  You may remember him as the Totally Awesome Boyfriend Who Bought Me Good Gifts and Made Me Feel Really Good About Myself…until we broke up.  After a year and a half hiatus, a lot of counseling, and dating around, we have decided to give it another go-round.  Our re-relationship is still rather new, but holds promise.  Recently, when filling out a form at the doctor’s office, I was reminded of just how unique and special our relationship is.  While there are boxes for both “Are you in a new relationship?” and “Are you with the same partner?” there is not one for “Are you dating someone you dated a long time ago that you worked really hard to get over, gave really mean nicknames to because he broke your heart, but his adorable smile and dance moves made you fall for him again?”

2011 was also a year with sadness.  My grandfather John Dekkers, “Grandpa D” died the end of November.  His untimely death at the age of 83 was a poignant reminder of just how fragile and short life really is.  We are all grateful for the time we had with him here on Earth, yet we can’t help but feel robbed and wish for just a few more years.  When asked if he thought this was “The End” Grandpa frequently responded “not just yet.”  There were so many more animals he wanted to hunt, so many more female country stars he wanted to watch on CMT, and so many more inappropriate sexual-innuendo-based rhymes he wanted to sing.  His death left me wondering “What if I only have 52 years left to live?”  I have about a hundred and fifty-two years’ worth of things I want to accomplish.  

I was blessed with 7 incredible days to spend with Grandpa D and my family shortly before he died.  We did our best to celebrate his life and send him off in style with the ever-memorable Beer Party at the Newaygo Medical Care Facility Nursing Home.  If Grandpa D asks for a Bud Light, Grandpa D gets a Bud Light!  I was also blessed to be present during his Extreme Unction, which is not a disease.  It was his final Catholic Sacrament, also known as Last Rites.  Just six short days before his final breath, he prayed along with Father Roc and exclaimed “Amen!” at all the appropriate times…causing Fr. Roc to inquire as to the seriousness of his illness.  Oh yes, Grandpa D kept us all in suspense during his end-of-life, and I bet he wouldn’t have had it any other way.  His death left a void in all our lives, and I for one take great comfort in believing he’s with Nanny, Uncle Mike and Jeremy plotting practical jokes on fellow After-lifers.

So my dear Friends & Family, I hope you are all doing well and that you enjoy this holiday season with gusto!  May you be surrounded by loved ones, filled with delicious food, and feel happy to be alive.  Have a drink for me, and I’ll have one (or two) for you….with any luck we can have them at the same time together!

Love,

Mel 

My Version

While listening to Justin Moore's "He Can't Even Bait a Hook" country song today, I felt inspired to write my own lyrics to his chorus...enjoy.

Justin Moore’s lyrics:

He can't even bait a hook
He can't even skin a buck
He don't know who Jack Daniels is
He ain't ever drove a truck
Knows how to throw out a line, but not the kind in a field and stream book
No darlin' I ain't even worried, you'll come runnin' back
He can't even bait a hook.

My version for the girls:

She don’t even drive a truck

She don’t even like your Muck….boots

She knows too well who Jack Daniels is

She ain’t ever shot a buck

Knows how to throw up a lot, but it ain’t her hands at a football game

No honey I ain’t even worried, I think you’re both dumbass lame

I don’t even give a f***

Dearest Melanie,

It is with the utmost caring that I tell you this.  Please understand I am cruel because I care....

You are going through a rather stressful and difficult time right now.  This is the time to employ all those coping strategies you've paid your counselor thousands of dollars for.  Remember all those deep breathing and meditation exercises you scoffed at?  What about the self-care she's always lecturing you about?  I seem to remember a lot of "be good to yourself" and "treat yourself with extra care and kindness." 

I question the manner in which you believe you are doing this.  I know you wholeheartedly believe in shopping therapy, and I will admit at times it does have benefits.  I do not think now is one of those times though.  Now is the time to put the money you've already spent to good use. 

Trying on jeans that are three sizes too small is not treating yourself with kindness.  I will agree the jeans were pretty fantastic.  The rhinestones and color were pretty cool, and you can't beat $12 for a brand new pair.  I understand you used to shop in this section.  You frequently remind me that you were a size 3 many years ago...ahem, 16 years ago to be exact, but who's counting?  No amount of squatting down to stretch the jeans will make them fit....they simply will not stretch enough to fit over your hips.  If they look too small on the hanger, they ARE too small. 

This seems like an appropriate time to mention that what you call "hope" may in fact be denial.  It's a fine line and can be confusing, I know. 

So please, take your counselor's advice, be good to yourself, and if you absolutely must employ shopping therapy then browse in your real size. 

By the way, putting unreasonable demands (ie attempting to do 32 hours of work during a 24 hour day) is also unhelpful.  Just a thought.