The thing about grief

I just can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit this year.  Normally, this is my favorite time of year and I look forward to it all year long.  I love the lights, the celebrations with friends & family, all the festive decorations, shopping, gift giving, gift receiving, cards with lovely holiday sentiments, cards with funny Christmas jokes, etc. etc. etc.  But this year is different.

When decorating the tree with my family last evening, I realized I'm just not into this year.  I found the whole thing rather time-consuming and it took entirely too much effort.  All I kept thinking is "Someone's gonna have to take it all down in just a few short weeks.  What's the point???"  I've been annoyed that my well-intentioned and loving family members have asked for Christmas lists.  I know, how rude of them huh?  Asking me for ideas so they buy me things I actually want.  And their responses to my "but I have everything I need" and "you don't need to buy me anything" is nothing short of heart-warming...except for me.  This year it all feels like a waste of time, money and energy.

After a bit of soul-searching, I remembered this isn't the first time I've felt this way.  When it became apparent that things had passed the point of no return for my marriage, I lost interest in Christmas too.  At the time, I didn't understand grief as I do now.

So the thing about grief is that even when it's not on your mind, it's on your mind.  Even when you think you're fine and that there are other "rational explanations" for everything, there is just one explanation that covers it all:  GRIEF.  It is all-consuming and ever-present.  It can take away your zest for things you enjoy the most, even if they don't have anything to do with the thing or person you're sad about.  Sometimes it has everything to do with them though. 

This year, Christmas just doesn't feel the same to me.  Grandpa was part of every single one of my Christmases for as long as I've been alive.  We used to have our Dekkers Family Christmas party at his house on Christmas Eve, and then we'd all go to midnight mass together in Newaygo.  I hated going to church, but I always looked forward to midnight mass on Christmas with my family.  Aunt Pat and I were beyond disappointed when everyone decided to end this tradition by having our family party the week before Christmas.  I had forgotten all about this until just recently when "Oh Night Divine" came on the radio and I was suddenly transported back to my childhood, standing in the vestibule of St. Bart's church on Christmas Eve looking for a pew empty enough to fit all of us Dekkers so we could sit together. 

When the Christmas Eve tradition ended, everyone took to stopping in to visit Grandpa on Christmas Day.  Inevitably, we'd all end up there at some point during the day.  It was always fun when we'd overlap and fill Grandpa's little trailer.  When I grew up and moved away, this tradition kept up as I returned every year except two to spend Christmas with my family. 

There were a few years when Grandpa & Grandpa spent their winters in Florida.  It bothers me that I can't remember if I was disappointed that tradition lapsed then.  

Going through old photos produced so many pictures of Grandpa and the family at Christmas.  It's obvious Christmas will never be the same without him.  So cliche, yet so true. 

I guess I tell you all this for a couple of reasons; 1) so you understand why I'm such a grinch this year, and 2) if you're feeling the same way either about Christmas or anything else, you'll know you're not alone.