Ever feel like every time you turn around, you're confronted with past bad decisions? There's a pair of pink cowboy boots in the corner, some 4 inch heels in the closet, and a pair of free weights in the living room. None of which have ever been used. Well, there was that one time with the heels, but the only person who can verify is long gone, and I'm certainly not telling.
Metaphorically speaking, every time I turn a corner I'm reminded of things I wish I would've done differently...or things I wish I wouldn't have done at all. So many words I'd like to backspace and say again, so many actions I'd like to erase and re-record.
But we only live once, we don't get to rewind and start again. Of course we can apologize and do things differently in the future, but it will never change the past. I can't un-buy that hideous novelty yarn.
This might be why I love knitting so much. Mistakes can be ripped and knit again. Ugly sweaters can be frogged and re-knit into a beautiful lace blanket. What starts out as a Candle-flame shawl can be turned into a one-of-a-kind scarf.
Yet my needles and yarn lay untouched for months. There's a merino lace hat just waiting to be finished. A lace shawl with several lifelines. A sweater that I've misplaced the pattern for.
Like my knitting, my life feels like a dormant UFO (for those folks who don't know knitting terms, that stands for unfinished object). I'm at a stand-still, the pattern for my life seemingly misplaced. I can see the mistakes, but it's as if my life has been knit with mohair...there's no ripping back and the yarn will never be the same. Without the pattern, it feels impossible to go forward.
Maybe I'm just in a funk with summer coming to an end, the chaos of school starting, and cold, gray weather on the horizon. Negativity is my focus as of late. But like the great Elizabeth Zimmerman said, I will knit on.
Amidst all this negativity, I'm still hopeful it'll all work out. I can envision the finished product. Maybe someday the mistakes will be disguised by the overall pattern...I just have to find the damn thing first.
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