Men vs. Dogs

So many single ladies really want a man. They want a boyfriend to cuddle, someone to take them out for a nice dinner once in a while, a guy to give back rubs and foot massages, someone to talk with, debate current events and watch TV. As a single lady myself, I can attest to the occasional desire for a guy too. But I’m realizing more and more that dogs are just plain better. Dogs fulfill almost all of these roles, without expecting anything in return, talking back, or generally pissing me off. I’ve often said anyone who wants a boyfriend really just needs a dog…and here’s why:

• Dogs are great cuddlers. They love to snuggle up next to you and be petted. They’ll gladly share their warmth, and won’t yell at you or move away when you put your freezing cold feet on them.

• Excessive fur is cute on dogs.

• Dogs will listen endlessly to your rantings about what a horrible day you’ve had. They won’t tell you that you handled the situation wrong with your boss. They’ll patiently listen, and then comfort you with a little nuzzle.

• If you train him right, your dog will happily fetch you a beer, without expecting anything in return but a little pat on the head. Wine might be a bit more difficult, what with needing a glass and all…but if you just drink the whole bottle, then problem solved!

• You can listen to your favorite music all day long with a dog. They won’t touch the volume, or tell you “For God’s sake do NOT play Kenny Chesney again!”

• Dogs don’t care if your house is clean, your clothes don’t match, or if you gain weight. In fact, they’ll probably be excited because it means more walks for them!

• There’s nothing to try and figure out with dogs. No confusing and infuriating mind games. There’s no need to wonder “What is he thinking?” He’s a dog, he’s likely thinking he wants food or a ball, or “where’s the squirrel?”

• Dogs are forever LOYAL. They’ll enthusiastically say hi to the cute, skinny blonde at the dog park, but there’s no way in hell they want to go home with anyone but YOU.

I know what you’re thinking, “What about sex?” Because if you’re a guy reading this, I know you think about sex every 10 seconds, if you’re a girl, you think about it once every 2 minutes. It probably took you at least 2 minutes to read the rest of the post, so now you’re thinking, “What about sex?” You can’t have sex with a dog. Or at the very least you SHOULDN’T. It’s just plain gross. Now, I like sex as much as the next person, and will admit that guys are pretty handy for this. But to be honest ladies, we can probably do it better ourselves anyway. Stick with a dog for everything else, and visit Adam & Eve on Broadway for the other….